The thing they forget to mention about being a motherless daughter

My Mom was easily the strongest, fiercest, most well-put-together middle-aged woman I've ever and will ever know. Despite being so strong and fierce, she was easygoing, well-communicated and dropped boundaries like they were feathers. She just flowed through life, authentically herself, with no signs of projections, in fact, she was so full of love that strangers in the lines at Kohl’s felt like family beside her as she handed them her 30% off coupon. Being her daughter was just so, damn easy.

The thing that they forgot to mention when I became a motherless daughter is that I would meet a lot of people who aren’t like this, specifically women. And it would discourage me in ways that I can’t really describe. Having grown up with Mom’s fierce, independent, and all-loving nature, it sends daggers to my heart to meet middle-aged women who just simply aren’t like this. Who walk around very unhealed, projecting their traumas onto others and causing pain and suffering instead of joy and happiness.

Overall, I was in a bubble of safety with my family. Yes, we had our trials and tribulations and we had a lot of them but at the end of the day, we were each other’s safe space, we loved each other deeply and we’d support each other until the end. With strangers, we always tried to spread this loving acceptance. We made everyone feel like family. And we have my Mom, our matriarch to thank for creating this peaceful, loving foundation.

And so, when I come across matriarchs who are so not like this, it has been beyond words difficult for me to process, especially when I am on the receiving end of their projections and abuse. Especially when they are a women who is dating my father or a woman who is a yoga studio owner or a woman who is supposed to be my therapist, individuals who I’d hope would be focused on creating safe, loving, nurturing spaces but who decide instead to do just the opposite. It is unfamiliar territory for me. It feels foreign and it makes me miss my Mom in ways that I can’t explain.

Since Mom has passed, it seems the list of unhealed women who have projected onto me is endless. And it sticks with me, it triggers me, it pains me, and it hurts me in ways most others probably can't relate to unless they've lost their matriarch too. Mom had been given some of the heaviest struggles I’ve ever heard of in my life and she still didn’t project like this. She was the exact opposite of this. It just didn’t make sense to me.

The truth is, as a motherless daughter, you seek maternal validation. Wherever you can find it. Women who are also Mother’s. Women who are also leaders. Women who are dating your father. But when you are met with the exact opposite of love from these individuals and you are instead the target of their projections, you feel even more lost and alone than you did before. Their words and invalidation hit you in a way that cuts deep. As a motherless daughter, you crave to hear ‘I am proud of you’, and not ‘get the fuck over your Mom’s death’ or ‘you are so complicated and high maintenance.'

There’s a way to communicate that these women never learned and that my Mom mastered. There’s also a layer of healing these women hadn’t undergone that perhaps my Mom did on her own. And I realize that the list will continue, I will face more trials and tribulations throughout this lifetime that will trigger me back to my Mother's absence, over and over again. I will miss her even more when they happen. But just like my Mom, I will learn how to move through them so that I end up just like her and nothing like the latter. I will continue to stay in spaces only with women who bring me up and I will keep a generous distance from those who try to bring me down.